I have struggled with what to title this blog post. My last post nearly two years ago shared that I had prayerfully discerned I was being called to step out of my job and focus on my family for awhile. At that point, everything had aligned and seemed to point to this being God's will for me, and thus the right course to take. I have now learned that even with prayerful discernment, sometimes things don't work out. Suffice it to say, practically nothing went according to plan or turned out the way we thought it would. One thing has gone really well: and that is that having time to focus on my kids, my oldest in particular, has helped tremendously. I have learned so much about his needs and spent intentional time finding ways to support him in school and his daily life. He is doing much better, and we know so much more about how to parent and guide him through this stage of life, and for that I am truly grateful. But the rest of how we thought this time would be has not come to fruition. As our circumstances changed, we prayed for a way forward. And my husband and I both had moments in the past year that - separately - would have enabled us to turn our circumstances around, allowing our family to carry on. And both opportunities didn't work out - for different reasons - but both in shocking, heartbreaking ways. When life throws us these kinds of twists, it's hard not to feel guilty, and be stunned, and wonder if things will ever be okay again. And when you have three little mouths to feed, the pressure to right the ship quickly is immense. It is not an exaggeration to say 2019 was by far probably the hardest year of my life.
When making a big life change, we often tell ourselves, "If this doesn't work, I'll do something else." And of course that is true. But I have learned that sometimes it is not that easy, and when you're in a specialized field - like ministry - and have taken a somewhat less traditional career path, getting a new job can be really difficult. When I left my job, I expected we might have to move at some point, but I thought it would be for Chris. With our situation suddenly being what it was, I knew I needed to find a job, so already being open to move it made sense to cast a wide net. I decided to approach my job search differently. Rather than targeting a particular position, my goal was to find a community, a group of people who love each other, love their community, and are interested in serving and trying new approaches to ministry. So as I read job descriptions and church profiles, that's what I was looking for. I applied to churches and schools. I applied to jobs I seemed perfectly qualified for and jobs I wasn't exactly but was excited about. I applied nation-wide, (actually internationally too!), but also tried to stick to cities that would be good for the rest of the family. Searching for jobs is exciting, and it also sucks. The search process in the church is terribly slow. Like months and months long. I have many reflections to share on all of this - specifically on how deployment happens in the Episcopal Church, and on the way candidates are viewed and treated by search committees. Maybe I'll write about all of that some day. But for now, let's just say that it has been a long, hard journey with many bumps and bruises along the way.
[I will share that had the immigration system in Canada been any less difficult we would likely be announcing an international move right now. It is common when things are bad here in the US to proclaim one intends to just 'move to Canada.' I am sad to say not only is it not that easy, it is not easy at all to do. We came close, and in the process gained the deepest respect and admiration for those who are immigrants (to any country), and who make the sacrifices to do it - yes, Americans who move to Canada do make big sacrifices too.]
All of this heartache and heartbreak, confusion, prayer, and discernment, has led to this moment of accepting the call to be Rector at St. David's in San Diego. This is incredible because I have not been sure God would call me to be a rector during my ministry career. We definitely didn't intend to move back to San Diego. Certainly all of the reasons we moved away from there are still present - the enormous cost of living, the traffic/commute time, being far from family. But we believe we have found the community I hoped to find. And it has been even more confirmed in the way the church is working creatively with me to facilitate this move to be as easy as possible for my kids. Both boys are graduating from their respective schools this year, so this is actually a relatively 'good' time to make a move, since they'll be going to new schools next fall anyway. While we considered living apart for a few months, a week in Atlanta for my doctoral program at the beginning of the month showed us doing that for an extended period would be detrimental to the family. So I will start half time at St. David's after Easter. I'll fly back and forth each week (Southwest A-list, here I come!), spending 3-4 days in San Diego and the rest of the time in Sacramento. This will allow me to start building relationships and getting to know the people and community there, and for my kids to wrap up the school year here. It will also enable us to pack up and sell our house. We will definitely be downsizing (leaving this house, which has been our dream house in so many ways, will be a source of grief for sure), so we'll need to purge a lot of stuff and furniture. And then I'll start full time on July 1, and the rest of the family will officially move there and we'll start our new adventure together in San Diego.
While deep in discernment, one of my colleagues encouraged me to think about what I would be saying yes to in whatever move I'd be making. So let's do that: what are we saying yes to? We are saying yes to starting over in a new place, and in a new community that we know is an amazing place to live. We're saying yes to new possibilities for schools, and teams, and activities for the kids. We're saying yes to a new professional role for me, as rector in a parish, and a ministry that will include my husband and kids in ways that my ministry has not thus far. I'm saying yes to working with an incredible, gifted, supportive bishop and diocesan staff, who has brought hope and encouragement and new energy for doing ministry to San Diego. I'm saying yes to reconnecting with dear friends and colleagues still in San Diego who have made my heart so full with their welcome and messages of support for this move. There is so much excitement and things to look forward to, it is hard for me to contain it!
But as my professor at Emory wisely pointed out, with transformation also comes grief - grief for what is being left behind. And so I am also deeply sad that we are leaving the life we have here: our home, our kids' schools and friends and activities, our family and friends, my colleagues in this diocese. We've been here for nearly 12 years now - the longest I've been in one place in my adult life. Yes, it is going to be very hard for all of us to leave this place.
Yet, as our Gospel reading last Sunday said, when Jesus calls us, we stop what we're doing and go. We don't know what we're going to - we step out in faith. I did that a year and a half ago and, well, things didn't quite work out as we had hoped. So we regroup, and pray, and ask God what to do next. Last summer it occurred to me that for some reason God seemed to be calling us as a family to hit the "reset" button (if there is such a thing). I hoped I was wrong about that, but six months later, here we go! I appreciate your love and prayers during this time of transition (transformation!), and hope you will come check out St. David's Church and visit us in San Diego!
